Superstore Quotes
1. “I’m just saying what I feel, and people do not like what they’re hearing. I am a strong cup of coffee.” — Dina Fox
2. “It’ll never be said that Garrett McNeill did not do just enough to not get fired.” — Garrett McNeill
3. “Is it true that the Olympic Village is basically just a three-week-long Slammerama?” — Dina Fox
4. “A psychopath doesn’t have a conscience. A sociopath knows what he’s doing is wrong but does it anyway.” — Dina Fox
5. “Welcome to the no options club. It’s a cool club. Most of America’s in it. We meet on Tuesdays.” — Amy Dubanowski:
6. “Strawberry blondes should not be allowed to grow facial hair. That should be in our constitution.” — Amy Dubanowski
7. “Balloons are like our souls. They want to go up, but can’t, and when you pop them, they scream.” — Glenn Sturgis
8. “People assume all Christians are homophobes. You know that is ignorant. You can’t imagine how hard it is being stereotyped.” — Glenn Sturgis
9. “I think it says something about our priorities that we spend so much money on pets when there are literally millions of children without adequate nutrition.” — Jonah Simms
10. “My point is there are people who do nothing and there are people who do something, and I am one of those people” —Jonah Simms
11. “No, I was just trying to beat your story. Sorry, I’m competitive.” —Mateo Liwanag
12. “If it makes you feel any better, I turned down sex with a hooker for you.” — Jonah Simms
13. “What? A corporation doing something unethical to protect its interests? This is shocking!” — Garrett McNeill
14. “Yeah, see, Latino parents are different. We don’t really need our kids to like us. We just break their spirit so the world doesn’t.” —Amy Dubanowski
15. “I cannot physically touch you, but I can get very close.” — Dina Fox
16. “You are a journalist and a rapist, and those are the two worst things any person can be.” — Dina Fox
17. “Nobody bothers with the surveys. People only use receipts to spit out gum and for murder alibis.” — Dina Fox
18. “Look, you’re like the old paper coupons. You’re kind of a nuisance but arguably served a purpose, and now you’re useless.” — Dina Fox
19. “There are raises on the line. So sorry, not sorry. I’m not here to make friends.” — Mateo Liwanag
20. “I didn’t set out to have a baby. It came from sex.” — Cheyenne Lee
21. “We’re all becoming narcissistic attention whores!” — Amy Dubanowski
22. “Turns out they had a meth lab in their basement, which, turns out, was just a front for a dog fighting ring.” — Glenn Sturgis
23. “Just want to let you know, I know names besides Steve.” — Glenn Sturgis
24. “Yo, I don’t like working here. OK. But it’s my job. I do the bare minimum, but I don’t do less than that. And I’m not about to let a bunch of deal-hungry rubes trash our store and make me feel bad for Dina, which I did not think was possible.” — Garrett McNeill
25. “I can’t be around Dina in that costume. It’s like, my rational brain says that’s the same crazy fascist that physically removed gum from my mouth, but my caveman brain says, ‘Hey, man, boobs.’ It’s very confusing.” — Garrett McNeill
26. “Could it be a race riot? It’s so hard to tell in the early stages.” — Glenn Sturgis
27. “You know, Mateo, it’s funny. You’re undocumented, and I’m over 60, and America doesn’t want either of us to work anymore.” Mateo: “Right, but I’m under constant fear of deportation, and you get discounts at movie theatres.”— Glenn
27. “It’s just like my mom always said: ‘If you don’t work hard, baby Jesus will cry.’” — Mateo Liwanag
29. “You know, one second everything’s great, and then you step on some invisible land mine and you’re fighting. Boom!” —Amy Dubanowski
30. “There are raises on the line. So sorry, not sorry. I’m not here to make friends.” — Mateo Liwanag
31. “I want to show Bo. He’s never seen me in a video with clothes on.” — Cheyenne Lee
32. “Look, I know you don’t want to hurt me, but not doing this is hurting me. So if you’re really my friend, please, beat the hell out of me.” — Mateo Liwanag
33. “I’m going to unleash crazy Amy. You guys can call me ‘Craymie.’” Amy Dubanowski
34. “I’ve been busting my butt trying to show you I’m a good worker, but you have your head so far up your own butt you haven’t noticed.” — Mateo Liwanag
35. “If we’re talking about truth bombs, well, take shelter, ’cause I’m about to make it rain.” — Mateo Liwanag
36. “I’m a Christian, too, but in these four walls, my Bible is the employee code of conduct.” — Dina Fox
37. “Aaaah, da wittle panda finks he fought of somefing!” — Amy Dubanowski
38. “I can’t be a single mom. I have never even driven on the highway before. What if the baby needs to go downtown?” — Cheyenne Lee
39. “We can’t just live our lives afraid to offend someone. I think that we, you know, as a society, we need to just lighten up a little bit.” — Amy Dubanowski
40. “He looks like a panda and a Disney princess had a baby.” — Jonah Simms
41. “Tomorrow is just gonna be just like today, and I know that because today is just like yesterday.” — Amy Dubanowski
42. “Some people like to hunt elk or deer. I hunt people. And your head is going on my wall.” — Dina Fox
43. “The idea of carrying your child makes me wanna put a bullet through my uterus.” — Dina Fox
44. “Why isn’t there a setting that hurts people?” — Dina Fox
45. “We are living in a brave, new, MeToo, Time’s Up, This Is Us kind of world. There are no rules anymore. But also, there’s nothing but rules.” — Glenn Sturgis
46. “No, I am not high-fiving one man over another man’s orgasm.” — Garrett McNeill
47. “I used to end these meetings with some wisdom from the Good Book, but then someone reported me to corporate.” — Glenn Sturgis
48. “Some people might find your voice, octave-wise, to be the teeniest, tiniest bit high.” — Glenn Sturgis
49. “Cloud 9 is now closed.” — Garrett McNeill
50. “God doesn’t make mistakes very often, but when he does, you have to throw them right in the trash.” — Glenn Sturgis
