HomeFunny QuotesTop 50 Funny Quotes

Top 50 Funny Quotes

Top 50 Funny Quotes

1. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

2. “Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.” – Unknown

3. “Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” – Harry Morgan

4. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.” – Unknown

5. “Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus

6. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson

7. “One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” – Jonathan Safran Foer

One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family

8. “It’s fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” – Lew Schneider

9. “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn

10. “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’” – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

11. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate

12. “If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.” – Unknown

13. “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown

14. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote

15. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

16. “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown

17. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

18. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

19. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey

20. “So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff.” – Unknown

21. “Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” – Unknown

22. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown

23. “It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang

24. “Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” – Unknown

25. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott, The Office

26. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

27. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

28. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

I love being married

29. “If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin

30. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby

31. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford

32. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person

33. “I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger.” – Unknown

34. “The four most important words in any marriage—I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown

35. “I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee.” – Unkown

36. “I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target.” – Unknown

37. “You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.” – Unknown

38. “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown

39. “We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

40. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

41. “You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.” – Irish Saying

42. “You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.” – Catherine Pulsifer

43. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

44. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler

45. “You’re not forty, you’re eighteen with twenty-two years experience.” – Unknown

46. “Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. And forget about the present, I didn’t get you one. Happy birthday!” – Unknown

47. “Don’t get all weird about getting older! Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us!” – Unknown

48. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Happy birthday!” – Unknown

49. “To quote Shakespeare: ‘Party thine ass off!’” – Unknown

50. “You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Happy birthday!” – Unknown

Melissa J. Queenhttp://selfcarequotes.com/
Hi, I'm Melissa, The Co-Founder of this blog. I enjoy researching quotes and I want other people to know about them, so that can be a shared experience. Let’s share some of the pieces we have collected from this blog.

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