Top 50 Funny Quotes
1. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
2. “Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.” – Unknown
3. “Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” – Harry Morgan
4. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.” – Unknown
5. “Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus
6. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson
7. “One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” – Jonathan Safran Foer
8. “It’s fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” – Lew Schneider
9. “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn
10. “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’” – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
11. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson
12. “If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.” – Unknown
13. “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown
14. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote
15. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
16. “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown
17. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
18. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
19. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey
20. “So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff.” – Unknown
21. “Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” – Unknown
22. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown
23. “It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang
24. “Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” – Unknown
25. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott, The Office
26. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz
27. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
28. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
29. “If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
30. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket
31. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
32. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
33. “I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger.” – Unknown
34. “The four most important words in any marriage—I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown
35. “I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee.” – Unkown
36. “I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target.” – Unknown
37. “You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.” – Unknown
38. “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown
39. “We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
40. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
41. “You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.” – Irish Saying
42. “You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.” – Catherine Pulsifer
43. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
44. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler
45. “You’re not forty, you’re eighteen with twenty-two years experience.” – Unknown
46. “Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. And forget about the present, I didn’t get you one. Happy birthday!” – Unknown
47. “Don’t get all weird about getting older! Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us!” – Unknown
48. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Happy birthday!” – Unknown
49. “To quote Shakespeare: ‘Party thine ass off!’” – Unknown
50. “You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Happy birthday!” – Unknown
